Its been years since I posted a blog, cant even remember when the last time I sat in front of my pc to pour my heart out. Well, here i go again, ranting, sharing, reminiscing, learning......
I dunno where to start, my mind and heart are in synch, they're both just tired..tired of hoping,wishing, waiting...all obviously in vain....Its february 2015, a month which they call love month...funny but I cant even remember when I felt it was, a curse seems to be on me for the past 8 years or so that I never felt that so-called "Love month", oh but wait, it wasnt just February, I guess for almost 9 years I never really did, I just thought so....
I remember posting a blog about unrequited love, and yeah it went on..of course the blame is all on me, it wouldn't have lasted that long if I opened my eyes to the truth, but hoping, wishing and waiting were all the reasons why it went on that long. I hoped, wished and waited that that day will come when feelings will be mutual but I was wrong...definitely wrong! You can never make someone love you...and sadly I never was able to make him love me...
True that everything happens for a reason, something unexpected happened last night, a day I will never forget, something I didnt ask for..it just fell on my hands...the painful truth..all the while I thought it was just an inkling I usually had, but fate led me to see the truth...fate presented to me facts...and now everything seems to make sense. Now I know why everytime I try to be mushy and cuddly, his body stiffens, his arms trying its best not to push me away but I feel the urge in him to do so. Now I understand why I wasnt allowed to do so many things. A lot of times I felt really bad when he would shut me off from everybody in his circle, when he would make me feel like the ugliest girl ever alive...and now I realize it was all because I was never considered somebody...I was just a bedroom friend...someone who he only knew within the confines of my own room, someone who has always been available when all the others were not, a fallback or as others would often say, a "spare tire".....I guess what hurt even more was knowing that his heart wasnt really made of steel after all as he willingly gives his heart and openly shows affection to other girls...it was just me that he was really not into,,it takes a lot of strength to get myself to finally admit this painful truth, now I guess Im ready to face the mirror and say, I was never really loved by this boy and I can never make him love me....no matter how much you genuinly and unselfishly give.. He was a good friend though, he was always there in most of my downfalls and struggles and that I will forever be grateful for.
As i type this blog I am surprised that no tears even attempted to fall, I was expecting to shed at least a bucket but to my surprise none. nothing, nada fell. My heart is heavy though but I think its not something I cant deal with..Right now, I have decided to just turn away and move on...I do not intend to turn my back on the friendship though but since I have now realized that all along he was silently telling me to back off and I made the stupid mistake of not heeding that call, so now I will...Its probably going to be hard but I will try my very best to steer my love elsewhere because now I know I can never break the walls of his heart for me, i can never make him appreciate whats inside my heart, I can never make him LOVE me...
To end this entry, Id leave you guys with this quote, Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow. ~ James Matthew Barrie. Thus, I shall await the coming of my rainbow.......
I dunno where to start, my mind and heart are in synch, they're both just tired..tired of hoping,wishing, waiting...all obviously in vain....Its february 2015, a month which they call love month...funny but I cant even remember when I felt it was, a curse seems to be on me for the past 8 years or so that I never felt that so-called "Love month", oh but wait, it wasnt just February, I guess for almost 9 years I never really did, I just thought so....
I remember posting a blog about unrequited love, and yeah it went on..of course the blame is all on me, it wouldn't have lasted that long if I opened my eyes to the truth, but hoping, wishing and waiting were all the reasons why it went on that long. I hoped, wished and waited that that day will come when feelings will be mutual but I was wrong...definitely wrong! You can never make someone love you...and sadly I never was able to make him love me...
True that everything happens for a reason, something unexpected happened last night, a day I will never forget, something I didnt ask for..it just fell on my hands...the painful truth..all the while I thought it was just an inkling I usually had, but fate led me to see the truth...fate presented to me facts...and now everything seems to make sense. Now I know why everytime I try to be mushy and cuddly, his body stiffens, his arms trying its best not to push me away but I feel the urge in him to do so. Now I understand why I wasnt allowed to do so many things. A lot of times I felt really bad when he would shut me off from everybody in his circle, when he would make me feel like the ugliest girl ever alive...and now I realize it was all because I was never considered somebody...I was just a bedroom friend...someone who he only knew within the confines of my own room, someone who has always been available when all the others were not, a fallback or as others would often say, a "spare tire".....I guess what hurt even more was knowing that his heart wasnt really made of steel after all as he willingly gives his heart and openly shows affection to other girls...it was just me that he was really not into,,it takes a lot of strength to get myself to finally admit this painful truth, now I guess Im ready to face the mirror and say, I was never really loved by this boy and I can never make him love me....no matter how much you genuinly and unselfishly give.. He was a good friend though, he was always there in most of my downfalls and struggles and that I will forever be grateful for.
As i type this blog I am surprised that no tears even attempted to fall, I was expecting to shed at least a bucket but to my surprise none. nothing, nada fell. My heart is heavy though but I think its not something I cant deal with..Right now, I have decided to just turn away and move on...I do not intend to turn my back on the friendship though but since I have now realized that all along he was silently telling me to back off and I made the stupid mistake of not heeding that call, so now I will...Its probably going to be hard but I will try my very best to steer my love elsewhere because now I know I can never break the walls of his heart for me, i can never make him appreciate whats inside my heart, I can never make him LOVE me...
To end this entry, Id leave you guys with this quote, Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow. ~ James Matthew Barrie. Thus, I shall await the coming of my rainbow.......
